Why Is My Ex Checking Up On Me?

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The Curious Case of Why Is My Ex Checking Up on Me?

After a breakup, what we all want to do is to close that chapter of our lives and move on, especially if you are not a friend of your ex and have decided not to contact each other. 

But what happens if, after months or even years, a text, a call or perhaps a sudden like on Instagram from your ex triggers all the feelings and memories you tried so hard not to have?

This article will help you understand the reasons behind this puzzling decision to reach back into a chapter that was supposed to be closed. Is it nostalgia, unresolved feelings, or mere curiosity? Whatever it is, this guide will help you determine the best way to answer it. 

Why Do Exes Check Up?

First things first. Let’s explore the reasons why your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend may be randomly checking up on you. While this list is not exhaustive, it sheds light on the most common explanations.


The most common reason why your ex may be texting you or viewing your stories after a long time of no contact is simple: they probably miss you. They’ve probably been reminiscing about the good times you share, and memories can be powerful. The nostalgia might have prompted your ex to check in and see what happens.


Let’s face it: we are all curious by nature, and your ex is no exception. They may have wondered how you’ve been since the breakup, what’s new in your life, or even if you’ve moved on.


If your ex is feeling a bit lonely, they will most likely reach out to you. Just think about it: you are someone familiar and comforting to them. It’s only natural for them to check up on you to fill that emotional void, albeit temporarily.


If your ex thinks or sees you are finally moving on with your life, jealousy may creep in. This could have motivated them to text you, perhaps to gauge how much influence they have over you. Sometimes, their real motives may be to interfere with your progress.

Unresolved Feelings

Finally, another reason why your ex might be checking up on you is because they are dealing with unresolved feelings. They might still love you or have questions about why the relationship ended. They may have contacted you to seek closure or even a possible reconciliation.

Ex Keeping Tabs on You?

It can be puzzling to understand why an ex is still reaching out or showing interest. If you’re seeking insights or guidance on how to handle these unexpected check-ins, we’re here to help you navigate through these interactions.

Understand Their Intentions Manage the Situation

Interpreting Your Ex’s Motives

Now let’s get to the part we’re interested in: interpreting your ex’s motives. If they are reaching out to you out of nostalgia, they are possibly feeling regretful or idealizing the good times you shared. This doesn’t mean they aim to get back together with you, though. Your ex may just want to feel the emotional comfort they once felt by your side.

Now, if they are texting you out of curiosity, your ex may be aiming to see how you are adapting to this new chapter in your life. This behavior is more about understanding themselves better rather than a desire to reconcile.

And what if they are reaching out because they feel lonely? This may just mean that they are struggling to process the breakup. In this scenario, they may be just seeking temporary emotional relief. It has nothing to do with re-establishing a connection.

Pay close attention to whether your ex is taking the step of contacting you just because they are jealous. This means your ex is feeling insecure and acting from a place of possessiveness, and this doesn’t affect the fact that you are moving on. This behavior might hint at deeper issues like a lack of emotional maturity or unresolved conflicts.

Lastly, if your ex is checking in because they have unresolved feelings, understand they are possibly seeking closure or to have answers to some questions. Approach this situation carefully, as it could trigger complex emotional dynamics.

Explore the article My Ex Blocked Me to discover what to do when your ex has blocked you.

Signs Your Ex is Checking Up on You

Asking yourself: Why does my ex keep checking on me? Sometimes, your ex will check in on you without directly texting or calling you. But your gut feeling isn’t wrong… If you have that odd feeling that they are around, these signs can help you check if you are right.

Increased Social Media Activity

Does your ex suddenly start liking, commenting on, or sharing your posts? They are definitely keeping an eye on you. They are interested in your life and may expect you to reach out to them. Maybe your ex unblocked you in instagram.

Asking Mutual Friends About You

Mutual friends can be a great tool to check if your ex is checking up on you. If your gut feeling is asking for your attention, ask them if they have been inquiring about you. If the answer is positive, they are seeking information they can’t get from your social media.

‘Accidental’ Encounters

Have you been bumping into your ex in places you frequently visit? For example, the coffee shop around the corner from your office, outside your college, or at the bus stop you take every single day? This may be more than a simple coincidence. This may be a strategy to get back in touch with you.

They Call or Text You for Help or Advice

If they start reaching out more often for random issues, such as seeking help or advice on things, it could be just a pretext to maintain contact. This is particularly true if they usually ignore you.

Debating whether to ‘block my ex’? Gain valuable insights from the article Should I Block My Ex? for informed decisions

How to Respond to an Ex Checking Up on You

Responding to an ex checking up is an art that must be handled with delicacy, especially when you don’t usually talk and they reach out unexpectedly

Let’s take a look at the most common scenarios and how you can respond to them:

The Casual Check-In: Let’s say your ex sends you a text on a random day of the week, simply asking how you are. In this scenario, it’s okay to reply with a brief and polite update. This will ensure you won’t invite any further dialogue.

The Sentimental Reminiscence: So what if your ex out of nowhere, starts reminiscing about the past? In this case, you can acknowledge their feelings, but it’s best if you gently steer the conversation away from any emotional subjects. 

The Persistent Contact: If your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend keeps reaching out constantly and you feel overwhelmed, it’s important to set boundaries. A firm yet polite response can be, “I appreciate your check-ins, but I need some space to focus on me.”

The Seeking Closure Conversation: If your ex contact you because they are seeking closure, then a conversation can help you both move on (if you are comfortable with it, of course). However, if those old wounds are still fresh, it’s okay to decline.


  1. “Learn effective strategies on what to text your ex after a period of no contact.
  2. “Understand the reasons why your ex may be avoiding communication with you.”
  3. “Should you wish your ex happy birthday?”

The Reasons Why Does My Ex Check Up On You?

A complex blend of unresolved emotions, unanswered questions, and a lingering sense of attachment can be behind your ex trying to communicate with you.

Reopening that chapter of your life can be emotionally challenging, which is why understanding the psychology behind it can be very helpful.

As mentioned above, your gf or bf may be seeking closure, that final conversation that gives them enough clarity and courage to move on. This person may want to hear your side of the story or apologize if they cheated or hurt you in any way. This need stems from our human desire for narratives to have a proper end. If the story is not concluded, then we’ll never feel completely satisfied.

At the same time, the void left after two people grow apart naturally makes humans feel lonely. Our minds like to go back to what’s familiar, which is why reaching out to you may be an attempt to find comfort and relief.

In some cases, if your ex is unwilling to disappear from your life, it could indicate that they are struggling with unresolved feelings. Whether they feel guilty, angry, regretful, or even in love, these emotions can compel them to contact you, even if it’s not in their best interest.

Lastly, if the relationship that ended was long-term, reaching out can simply be a force of habit. The routine of having you in their everyday life is not easy to break. The best way to navigate this scenario is to understand this motive and reflect if these interactions are healthy or, on the contrary, if they are hindering your healing journey.

Master the ‘30 Days No Contact Rule‘ to potentially reset your relationship dynamics.

Why Is He Checking Up on Me In Social Media

Ok, so let’s say your ex texted you, checked your social media account or any other similar scenario. It’s important to manage these digital interactions with balance and grace, and these tips can help you achieve exactly that:

Social Media Etiquette:

  1. To Follow or Not: If the wounds are still fresh and seeing your ex on social media hinders your healing journey, then unfollowing or muting them can be the right choice. It’s not that you are being hostile. It’s about self-care.
  2. Public Interactions: It’s best not to engage with your ex’s posts publicly. Your likes and comments can be misinterpreted. The result? It will take more time for both of you to detach emotionally.
  3. Post with Caution: Be mindful of what you share on social media. Don’t post any content that is purposely aimed at getting a reaction from your ex.

Messaging Do’s and Don’ts:

  1. Do Keep It Brief and Neutral: If you must communicate, always keep your messages short and to the point. Make it a rule not to use emotional language.
  2. Don’t Initiate Contact Unnecessarily: If you don’t have to communicate, don’t do it. Reach out to them only if it’s absolutely necessary.
  3. Do Respect Their Space: If they’ve asked for no contact, honor that request. 
  4. Don’t Use Messaging for Closure: If you decide to have closure, ask them to meet you in person. It’s better to have these kinds of emotional conversations in person. If they’re likely to reopen wounds, it’s best to wait some more time. Your feelings matter.
  5. Do Reflect Before Responding: Take time to think about what you are doing. Is replying to them the best for your emotional well-being? Make yourself your top priority.

Contemplating reaching out to your ex? Explore insights in the article Should I Reach Out to My Ex? to make an informed decision

When and Why You Should (or Shouldn’t) Check Up on Your Ex

I know the urge to contact your ex can be strong at times. You miss them, you have unanswered questions or unresolved feelings that need their attention, and your mind keeps finding excuses to text them.

But sometimes, this is not the best decision. If both of you are seeking closure and are emotionally equipped to handle this type of conversation constructively, then go for it.

This is also true if you and your ex share responsibilities and need to communicate on a daily basis. In extraordinary circumstances, such as a crisis or significant life events, reaching out to your ex if you are genuinely concerned can be an act of kindness.

But if checking up on them will lead you to reopen old wounds or hinder your healing journey, it’s best not to do it. Reconnecting with them can do more harm than good, not just to you but also to your ex. If they have requested space, then respecting their decision is also important. Prioritize your well-being and respect each other’s space to move forward in the best way possible.

What to Say When Your Ex Checks Up on You?

If you decide to have a conversation with your ex to address unresolved issues, this can lead down two distinct paths: closure or reconciliation. 

First, you need to be very clear about your true intentions and emotional state. Are you seeking to heal and move on or do you secretly hope to rekindle the relationship?

If you want to get closure, this conversation can help you have a better understanding of the relationship’s dynamics, giving you a sense of peace and closure to this chapter of your life.

Now, if getting back together is a real possibility, it’s important to address these unresolved issues differently. You must be willing to communicate more openly and to make substantial changes to make things work.

Contemplating why your ex is ignoring you? Gain insights from this article: Why Is My Ex Ignoring Me?

Moving Forward with Clarity

Understanding why your ex is checking up on you can be an emotionally draining experience. However, knowledge is power, and learning more about the motives behind this decision will help you make a choice aligned with your own healing process and emotional well-being.

Whether you are contemplating responding to them, navigating digital interactions, or getting back together with them, it’s important to handle things with honesty, respect, and firm boundaries.

Although these post-breakup interactions may feel challenging, they also offer valuable insights into your own emotional patterns and needs. Taking this as a stepping stone toward healing, self-awareness, and clarity will help you move forward into a brighter future.

Additional Resources:

Why is my ex boyfriend checking up on me?

Your ex-boyfriend might be checking up on you for several reasons such as nostalgia, curiosity about your current life, feelings of loneliness, jealousy seeing you move on, or unresolved emotions and questions regarding your past relationship.

Why is my ex girlfriend checking up on me?

Similar to ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends might check up due to missing the connection you once shared, curiosity about your well-being and life updates, a sense of loneliness, jealousy, or unresolved feelings and the need for closure.

What does it mean when your ex checks up on you?

When your ex checks up on you, it often signifies that they are still processing their feelings about the breakup and the relationship. It could reflect a range of emotions from mere curiosity to deeper unresolved feelings. The act of checking up doesn’t necessarily mean they want to get back together, but it does indicate you are on their mind for one reason or another.

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About Alex

Alex Bert is an esteemed relationship coach with a specialization in marital counseling. With over 14 years of experience, Alex and his team have developed multi-lingual online programs that have positively impacted over 180,000 individuals globally. His approach, known for its effectiveness and often counterintuitive advice, is grounded in extensive real-world experience rather than theory. 

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